i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
