At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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