Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
