I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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