you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
