I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
