i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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