omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?