This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
