the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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