I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
