he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
