is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
