Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
