What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
