You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
