If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Randomize
