I CAN MOONWALK!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
