Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
