I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
