If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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