community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
