I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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