Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
