Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
