Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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