i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
