Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
