Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
