And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
