I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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