Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
