Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
These tits shall not be calmed
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