She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
