just come out here and I will go home with you...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
