Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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