At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i drank out of a bidet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
