I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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