the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
