i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
