Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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