Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
