Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
