omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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