is your mom at the bar?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
