it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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