So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
