What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
