At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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