Umm I'm too high to move.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
