I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
