I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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