Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
