I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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