I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
