you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
