I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
