just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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