Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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