she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
