chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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