you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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